An Unsuspecting Moment of Quiet

This is our second day at the Mayo Clinic in Florida. For those that might not know, we finally tired of the Oklahoma doctors giving us the run around and I contacted the Mayo Clinic. That was a week ago, and now we're here in Florida for an unknown amount of time. Already we've been impressed with the clinic and the doctors, and we have no doubts that God opened the door and led us here.

Today Daniel had an EEG, and as I set in the dark as he slept and they watched his brain waves, I started praying. But, rather than just crying out for answers and healing, I started by giving thanks. I'm sorry to say that I'm not always very good at that - it's so easy to immediately jump into what I want or need.

This time was different though, probably because I feel like I've been asking and begging and saying the same prayer for the past four and a half months. I tried to say thanks for everything I could think of - Daniel, our marriage, our commitment to one another, his job, our financial situation, the support of our families, my choice to search out help outside of Oklahoma, the opening at the Mayo, the good experience we've had so far. Then I moved on to lifting up the doctors, the nurses, and whoever will be looking into Daniel's case. And, then, I made my requests, but even those where different. I tried to simply ask for Daniel's and I's acceptance of whatever lay ahead, as well as peace in the diagnosis, security in our marriage, and a joy that would be apparent to everyone we met in this process.

And, you know what? When the nurse came in and turned on the light, I wiped my eyes and felt more joy and peace and relief than I've felt in a long time. I know that my fears and tears aren't gone...unfortunately they always seem to reappear...but for know my heart is wonderfully content.

Don't You Love The Fall?

"It makes me wanna buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address."

That is one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies - "You've Got Mail." And, it perfectly describes how I've been feeling lately. The cooler weather has put me in the mood for pumpkins, fall candle scents, and sweaters. Every time I go to Hobby Lobby I can hardly stop myself from buying some sort of fall decoration, and I'm counting the days until I can decorate my house with all my autumn accent pieces. I'm convinced that I will hold out until after Labor Day, but it's getting harder. Technically, I've already started decorating because I put a pumpkin sign in my front yard and a fall wreath on my front door. But, I will wait on everything else. I will. I will. I will!

I'm not sure why I love the fall, except, perhaps, because of it's ties to school. For someone who loved school, fall meant new clothes, new school supplies, and a new schedule. It also meant new books and new opportunities. I was always so excited to hear from teachers, tutors, or my mom what new things we would be learning. Even in college, I loved combing through my syllabus and marking all the important deadlines and dates in my day planner. I'm such an academic nerd, I know, but I do love that about myself.

And, I look forward to the day when I have children that I can teach at home and pass on my love of learning to. Sadly, I already have shelves of textbooks, workbooks, and reading books for all ages...and we don't even had a little one in the oven yet. Oh, and not to mention my plans for our school room - complete with a dry erase board, bulletin board, and decorations from the local teacher supplies store. Yes, I do think of it often and joyfully play through those school days in my mind.

Oh, I hope the real cool weather comes soon. But, until then, I think I'll go find some pencils to sharpen...

Stronger Still

These past three months of silence are finally over. We have a computer again and our life has mostly returned to a blessed state of normality, something that I feared for some time would never return.

For those that don't know the story, starting in the middle of June, my hubby started having seizures. They came on suddenly and without reason. Since then, we've been to ER's, doctors, and specialists, and he's gone through about every kind of brain test there is. We are still in the search for a why, however the medicine his doctor has him on is working. He's had to slowly increase his dosage, which leaves him exhausted for a week every time it's increased while his body adjusts. The latest dosage seems to be working - he hasn't had a seizure since Saturday, which is an answer to prayer! The struggle isn't over yet, it will never probably go away, but we are making progress.

The past three months have taken a detour from our expected journey through life. There were times when I could barely make it through the day and my heart broke with the uncertainty of tomorrow. Early on, with everything was just happening, I had to force myself to imagine my life without Daniel. I've had to take on extra burdens so Daniel will have the strength to deal with his daily life. And, I've been through round and round of crying out to, questioning, and yelling at the Lord.

But, He has been faithful. When I felt he was silent, he was really just holding me. And, when I felt like his presence and voice was far away, he was really just whispering to my fragile heart.

I still don't understand - perhaps I never will. I can't comprehend why we've had to deal with so much in our short two years of marriage. The death of a grandparent. The stress of a first house. A surgery. A lost job. And now this. It seems so unfair and so overwhelming. Yet, we are still together. Still fighting. Still praying. God has never left us, and we are stronger because of it.

A Secret to a Happy Life

Today I did something that I haven't done in years, probably since elementary school. At first, I resisted when my hubby suggested it. It sounded cold and muddy, and would probably included tracking grass into the house.

But, when he gave me his sad eyes and said "pretty please", how could I say no?

So, we went to the store, bought two Super Soaker water guns, and had a water gun fight.

And, just as I expected, it was cold, got my feet muddy, left grass tracked from the back door to the laundry room, and.....it was a blast!

I haven't had that much fun in a long time. And I felt like a kid again!

I'm sure Fred thought we were crazy. He kept running from one side of the yard to the other, and then dodging the streams of water.

But, it made me think about all the other child-like things I've left behind that, perhaps, I shouldn't have. Of the ways I've changed and "grown up" that aren't necessarily for the better.

Life when I used to lay on the couch reading even though I had a dishwasher to unload. Ride my bike even though laundry was waiting for me. Or sit cross-legged in bed and coloring a picture when other chores were calling my name.

I know that the house has to be cleaned, dishes loaded into the dishwasher, and laundry folded at some point. But, it doesn't always have to be right now.

This weekend has been a great reminder of that. So, dwell on this...Enjoy life. Buy a water gun!

The Things of This Earth

Today, my hubby and I stopped at an estate sale. I've never been to one before, at least one that I can remember, and it seemed like something fun to do on a rainy Saturday afternoon. So, we parked along with all the other cars on the street and walked up to the house.

It was a nice, big, older home. One you could imagine an couple growing old, raising children, keeping grandchildren, and hosting family gatherings in. My guess was that the elderly husband had died a while back, and that the wife had passed away recently.

As we walked from room to room, it suddenly hit me how sad it was, though. Here was someone's home, where thousands of memories had been made, and it was now being sold, lock, stock and barrel, to the highest bidder.

Where was their family, I wondered, as I browsed the beautiful crystal, holiday platters, and silverware. Why wouldn't their children or grandchildren what these things?

Perhaps they had already gone through it all and picked out what they wanted to keep. Or maybe this couples died alone, with no family to pass their belongings on to.

It made me realize how fleeting all those things in my own house are. Certainly, they are nice when you're alive to enjoy them, and some things can go a long way in making great, beautiful memories. But, really, how much of the stuff in my house would future children and grandchildren really want?

I wasn't cured of buying things - I bought a set of bunt pans, a jello mold (those things are near impossible to find these days), and a Thanksgiving decoration. But, it did slightly sober my day and make me want to enjoy everything and everyone in my life a little more than normal.

"Heaven and earth will disappear, but my words will never disappear." Matthew 24:35

My New Addiction

I have a new addiction - planting. When I feel the warm sun on my face and that smell that spring scent in the air, I just have this almost uncontrollable urge to go to my nearest flower nursery and buy as many plants and flowers as my car will hold.

Now, I have shown considerable constraint.

I haven't gotten anywhere near what I want in order to fully landscape my front yard, and my back yard is going to take years to sculpt into what I've imagine. But, I have determined that buying gardening items is just as fun as shopping for clothes!

Shocking I know!

I can't even come close to imagining what it was like for God to create our world, but I have a small inkling of it whenever I plant a bush or put flowers in a pot.

What joy it must have brought him to sculpt and paint the roses, design the tall firs and maples, and texture the blades of grass.

I only know what enjoyment I get out of combining the plants He's already created into a beautiful arrangement - and how I feel when it is complete, and I call it good.

What a great and wonderful God we have who would call us better than all the pretty flowers and beautiful landscape. Who would create us in His own image - that we might fellowship with Him, and bring Him his greatest joy!

A Juggling Act

So, lately I feel that I've been letting some balls drop, in particular keeping up on Facebook, posting on my wee blog, and staying in contact with friends in general. I just seems like I can't do everything I'm supposed to do.

Instead, I've been managing to cook more, exercise more, keep up with chores, and spend a few minutes relaxing each night before bed. Yet, while those are great things, I feel bad about all the things I'm not getting done.

I'm also continually reminding myself of the fact that I once was able to keep it all together. Exercising regularly. Eating right. Meeting and talking with friends. Doing Bible studies. Having a regular, lengthy quiet time. Giving myself manicures and pedicures. Laying in bed and just listening to music. Watching my favorite movies over and over again. And still managing to do school.

I just can't do it all anymore...even thought I try with all my might and try to act like I have it all together. And every day, more and more, I'm realizing that it's only going to get worse. A baby will only make it harder. Another baby will make it near impossible. And once I reach the homeschooling phase...well, I will only make by God's grace.

Of course, I guess that's how I've always made it. Not by my own power, but by His. So, I guess I'll keep doing my best and rely on Him for the rest. Thank goodness His shoulders can carry me and my burdens too.